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Texas Revolution 7
Monty Python Invades Texas?
by James R. "Mad Dog" Morgan Sr.

Well, it isn’t really an invasion, but they did take over the field for a bit.  The Texas Revolution, a series of yearly scenario games run by Viper Enterprises at Paintball U.S.A. brought one of the most beloved and fun scenario themes in paintball history to Texas.  About 4 years ago, Michael “ Blue” Hanse
came up with the idea of an entire scenario game based on the movie “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”, a cult comedy classic of the 1970s.  These games were extremely fun and 
successful and had only one shortcoming.. They were at E.M.R. in Pennsylvania and those of us in the Southwest couldn’t make the trip.  However, Blue gave Viper permission for the theme to be used for this year’s Texas Revolution and
you couldn’t stop me from coming when I heard about it.

The Event covered the three days from the 6th through the 8th of April.  The first day encompassing a pump game only, with the second and third day covering the 24-hour scenario game.  In addition to the characters and special situations, the Viper Scenario Games are very desirable simply because this is one of the few events where “Burst” “Turbo” and “Full Auto” markers are allowed as well as paintball cannons
and grenade launchers.

The game contained many unusual characters and scenes to promote the fun that had been taken straight off the movie, these are just some that I saw:

1. The moose from the opening credits (only mentioned in the opening credits, but was played by “Bullwinkle”.

2. The Overrated Black Knight.  Played by “Chronos”.  Determined to let no one pass through his woods and will challenge all.  Shoot him in the arm, he can’t use it but will switch to the other.  Shoot his foot off, he’ll hop on the other.. You gotta hit him in the chest to get him to stop.

3. The Ole Man from Scene 24 / Keeper of the Bridge of Death.  “He who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three.. Err the other side he see.
Question 1. “What is your Name?”
Question 2: “What is your Quest?”
Many question 3s concerned trivia regarding the movie or paintball history, miss any question and you either received a drenching from a super soaker or became the unfortunate victim of a “Load” paintball mine (A claymore device consisting of up to 6 paintballs in 16 barrels; check it out at

4. Castle Anthrax.. A castle/bunker occupied entirely by females (although not all between 16-19 as in the movie.)  Castle Anthrax is not an objective to be taken, but a player who found a colored paddle on the field can take it to Anthrax for prizes or penalties (ranging from game props to a real spanking).

5. A real wedding; This one is also doesn’t completely follow the script as Prince Prim (played by Robert Janczak ) actually does marry Princess Lucky (Karen) in a ceremony presided by
Reverend Splatter, with many friends and family in attendance, the couple march down the aisle under crossed paintball markers and spend their honeymoon at the game.

6. The Witch and the Duck who weighs the same make an appearance.

7. Tim the Enchanter.  Who marches all over the field setting off pyrotechnics and taunting players.

8. The Knights who say “NI”.  A team of players who set up in the center section of woods and will engage all whom do not appease them with a shrubbery.

9. An appearance by the “Horrible Black Beast of Arrgh”, a beautifully well done painting on a very strategic bunker.

10. Three ways of being recycled: (1.) Going to a recycle station and going in every quarter hour. (2.) Getting a ‘Medic” to come over and “heal” you within 1 minute of your demise. Or (3.) Finding the man banging a gong and yelling, “Bring Out Your Dead!” and paying him his ninepense (aka dime).

11. The White Rabbit.. The meanest, most foul, ruthless, and vicious rodent this side of a New York City Sewer Rat…  completely invulnerable to normal paintball fire and can only be eliminated by a “Holy Hand Grenade”.

12. “Riding a Horse”.  In a variation of “Helicopter Insertions”, a player is mounted and cannot shoot or be shoot back while he is clanking together two halves of a coconut and skipping
across the field.

13. Players at random would become a victim of the dreaded Monty Python Sketch “the Spanish Inquisition”.  This scenario team, who took its name from the actual sketch, spent much of the first day performing it on players of both sides.  A player would be seized, placed in the comfortable chair, given the (dish) Rack, Iron Maiden (or should I say Inflatable Plastic), or
tormented by impacts from “Fluffy Pillows’ till he confessed.

14. The Trojan Rabbit…  On STEROIDS.  This year it’s a remote control car complete with a full auto shocker and 500 rounds of ammo… He doesn’t stand in front of doors any longer. He
knocks em down.

15. The Taunting Frenchmen and the Rain of Stuffed Animals: During most of the action around Castle Arrgh.  A player from both sides would have to watch out for a barrage of stuffed
animals and vicious taunts thrown by the Frenchmen of the second floor.

The scenario game brought over 900 players from all over the country and the southwest.  ‘Blue’ himself was the special guest of honor.  The two sides for this scenario consisted of the Knights and Royals led by King Arthur and the Serfs and Peasants lead by Dennis.  Both sides would try to secure the “Holy Grail” and perform missions for points while painting as many of the opposition as possible.

As you can see by the pictures, the game consisted of an huge opening Speedball battle between 500+ players, which then became a scenario game with several reoccurrence of 
the speedball battle in all it’s gory glory.

During the dinner break, a mortar tournament was held.  Those teams who paid the entrance fee would be allowed to fire one of two mortars (provided by T&M Ordinance) and 
10 rounds of mortar ammo.  These mortar rounds, which consisted of paint filled surgical tubing placed inside cardboard tubes, can fly up to 200 yards.  Both sides could send one player downfield to shout back range and corrections, but the aim of the game was to put as many mortar rounds as you could within 10 feet of the other mortar as possible.  Most were misses, but some were spectacular hits.

For those of you who’ve never played night games, then you’ve never experienced “Pure Paintball”.  This is the one time where “Firepower” doesn’t mean anything.  In fact, those electronic semis with those little flashing lights tell you where to fire.  Shooting all that  paint is great when you can see what
you’re aiming at. But during the night games, it’s usually the first burst  that eliminates you.  But here the “Fog of War” is at it’s utmost… everything that makes noise or moves in the 
open is shot.  (Too many players in night games go “Total Defensive”), shooting at anything that they are not sure is a member of their own team.   During the evening, both Castles were attacked frequently, with a vicious attempt made to
assassinate both leaders.

The next day the silliness and battle continued anew.  In the end, the Serfs led by Dennis managed to find and secure the “Holy Grail” and secure enough point to win despite their near annihilation in the final climactic battle around Castle Argh.  Kevin “Kocker” Kolinski, who played Dennis is retiring from
Paintball, and thanked everyone for making his final game a memorable one.

The Viper Scenario Games are well-run and well-regarded events.  And being one of the only places where you can use equipment that is banned from other fields/games.  You should think about coming to any of the ones in your area.  Look at the Viper Scenario’s Homepage in Warpig.

Dennis: Kevin “Kocker” Kolinski
King Arthur: Allen “Indy” Martin

Inv Sportmanship
C.J. Duncan, “Bandit” & “Deputy Dawg”

M. V. Team(s) 
Texas A&M, Silent Hunters, RPM, Lost Boys & Sudden Impact

M. V. Player(s) 
Gator & Lizard, Austin “Ferrit” Willis

Cast of Characters
Black Knight – Dave “Chronos” Henderson
Cardinal Fang (Head of the Spanish Inquisition) – Roy “Gold Dog” Costen
Dingo (Zoot’s Twin) Kim “Blondie” Dean
G.O.D.  (Games Operations Director) Kerry  “Viper” Rosenburry
Moose – “Bullwinkle”
Old Man from Scene 24 – Ellis “Chocktaw” Easterly (President of Viper Elite)
Prince Prim (Groom) – Robert Janczak
Princess Lucky (Bride) – Karen Janczak
Roger the Shrubber – Mike “Legend” Carlson
Sir Robin – Sean Riggs
Sir Lancelot – Richard “Emmit” McCollough
Sir Bedeverre – Richard Foletta
Sir Bedeverre’s Squire – Foy Foletta
Sir Galahad – James “Flash” Peterson
Tall Knight Who Says Ni – Roy Maynor
Taunting Frenchman – Bill “Z” McClure
Tim the Enchanter – Karl “Dragon” Wolf
White Rabbit – Clay Smith
Witch  - Linsay “Witchy Woman” Richmond
Zoot - Ms. “Princess” Rosenburry

Special Thanks to Major Sponsors
National Paintball, Paintball USA, 32 Degrees


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